the boob martyr

My "friend" D is one of those passive, polite, pretending they're not so opinionated people. Do you know those? The ones who most definitely have an opinion and judge everyone who's opinion is not the same, but don't come out and say it?
Wait- that might be me too.

Well, this isn't about me. This is about D. She is always like that... talking about something and laughing it off or making a point of saying "not that it matters," or "every mom/baby/person is different" in a tone that is so not accepting and understanding, but rather snarky.

One of her strongest opinions (which is pretended to not be a strong opinion) is breast feeding. And actually, I don't get the feeling that she even judges in the way that she's thinking everyone should breastfeed they're babies... more in the way of it's okay that you don't because that just makes me better than you. Which drives me ca-razy!!

I don't think she knows I didn't nurse my babies. She talks like she just assumes I did; because she likes me and respects me and in lots of ways I think (and I'm not trying to be conceited here) she looks up to me a lot as an older and wiser mother. I chuckle to myself often thinking about what she would think about the fact that my kids never tasted a drop of breastmilk. Formula fed from hour one. Not that I'm hiding it from her, it's just never come up. But she has made all the stereotypical comments about how smart my kids are, how healthy they are, how they have such great immune systems and I more than get the feeling she's automatically attributing that, as she does those traits in her own kids, to breastmilk.
And I just want to knock her upside the head.
I don't want to argue with her or try to prove her wrong, I just want to knock her upside the head for being so ignorant.
Anyway.

The biggest thing that drives me nuts is how she makes herself into this martyr all the time for being a nursing mother. You know; the fact that she's the one who has to get up with the kids at night, the fact that she can't leave her baby for more than a few hours because the baby just won't take a bottle (which you can so tell D totally loves), complaining about how she had to do every feeding because neither of her girls would ever take a bottle ever (again, totally obviously taking huge pride in that while pretending to complain), etc, etc. She never fails to mention that she and her husband have never had a weekend away in the past three years because she's been either pregnant or nursing.
She had the opportunity this past spring, when her youngest had just turned one, to accompany her husband on a work trip and really wanted to go. Without the kids. But couldn't because baby B's still nursing. I heard at least once a week about how much she wanted to go and how it was just bad timing, maybe next year, so on and so forth. All the while I bit my tongue with all the things I wanted to mention; um, you can pump... baby B is eating three meals a day of table food and drinking out of a cup, I think she can survive if you're not there to breastfeed her for three days, a kid is not going to starve if your boob is not there! They will eventually take a bottle if they have to. She's a year old for goodness sake, it's not the end of the world if she weans now.
I don't say any of that anymore because when I have made suggestions or pointed out options, her reply is simply, "yeah, well... it's just easier this way" and a change of subject.
It drives me nuts because all her complaints or martyred sighs over that's just the way life is right now, and poor me I'm so tied down are all completely illegitimate. If she really wanted space from her kids or time away, she could easily make that happen. Your baby, whether you breastfeed or not, does not dictate your life. Yes, there are restrictions and sacrifices, and moreso if you're nursing, but you do not have to be completely tied down at all times. You are not a martyr.

I recently started babysitting an infant full-time during the week. D was asking something about how his schedule was going, how he was sleeping, eating, etc. He was still pretty little, just 10 wks old. Somewhere in her inquiries she threw out the comment, "So I assume he's on formula?"
This was said in a completely condescending tone... and it made me so mad. She completely judged and assumed and it was all in this so not only is this mom leaving her baby to go back to work full-time, but she's also feeding him crap, attitude.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, rather snarkily myself, "No, actually she pumps, and he's on breastmilk exclusively. Why do you ask?"
She didn't really know what to say. I think she was honestly shocked. Which I can't comprehend... does she not know there are nursing working mothers all over the place?? I just couldn't believe the naivety of her assuming that just because a mom makes the choice (or in this case has to) to work full-time, that she couldn't still nurse her baby full-time. Since when does being a working mom=not caring about breastfeeding? Just because they don't sit at home all day with a sole purpose of being a martyr for their kids... moms can NOT be attached to their children 24 hours a day and still make the choices they want to make about feeding.

And who the hell cares??!?!??!!!!!!
GAH!

can't stand

I can't stand that the TV has to be so loud. And always on.
I can't stand the relentless channel surfing during each and every commercial. With, remember, the volume so loud.
I can't stand the nosy-ness of the "helping" by being sure to be the first to get the mail each day.
I can't stand that he's so heavy he's wrecking our furniture.
I can't stand the constant thinking about food.
I can't stand the cutting remarks.
I can't stand the passive-aggressive habits.
I can't stand the lip smacking.
I can't stand the obsession with germs and washing and making me feel like I'm a bad mom because I don't stress about things like that.
I can't stand the closed doors and the secrecy and the possessiveness.

I can't stand that I can't stand to live with them for more than a few hours.
I can't stand that I don't even like them.

I can't stand that it all turns me into such a negative person.

too good to be true... is true

I'm feeling quite frustrated today.
Hopeless. Defeated. Pretty 'Woe Is Me'.

I've had several situations lately come up in places I've been looking for things... personal and family situations. Situations where I'm looking for answers, solutions, options, and suddenly I find possible answers, solutions and options that seem too good to be true. I try not to get my hopes up, I try very hard not to count my chickens before they hatch, etc, etc. I downplay things, I look for ways that it might not happen and remember that it's not done until it's done.

But still. The possible situations have been absolutely PERFECT. Way more perfect that I could have hoped for or imagined. Like every time it's God spelling out these perfect situations with little things here and there that just make things exactly a perfect fit- more than I could have known to even ask for. Which, again, makes me cautious.
Until the last possible moment, when I think things have finally come together enough to matter... when things appear to be actually happening.

And then I finally share it with people. I share it with friends, I share it with certain people asking for prayer, and still I share it with the reserve -and the disclaimer to those I'm sharing with- that it's not a done deal yet.
And in one case I share it finally (an hour before-hand in this case) with my kids.

And then it doesn't happen.

It's yanked out from my hands. The door is closed. Too bad, so sorry.

Why does this keep happening?
Why do these things appear to be an absolute answer to prayer, complete with bonuses I wasn't even asking for... just to be dangled in front of me and then taken away at the last minute??

i think i'm just.... done

I've only ever had to write off one good friend in my lifetime.
We were friends for twelve years... the important years too... through all of jr high, high school and after.
Long story short, there was an occasion where I learned I couldn't trust her with my friendship anymore. I learned she had spent the latest five years of our friendship judging me, jumping to conclusions, and completely assuming the worst of me and my life. Not aloud to me of course; until a certain evening when she decided to get it all off her chest. We had a huge drawn out heart to heart, and at the end we were crying and hugging and saying things would be better between us because of it... but I knew they wouldn't. They couldn't be, knowing the way she thought of me. It changed our friendship and slowly it just didn't exist anymore. She wounded me too badly.
That was really sad for me. I missed her often. Five years later, we reconnected and were slowly able to be friends again, but that real closeness will never be back. That trust, that unconditional love.

I find myself wondering if I'm at that crossroads again with another friend.
I hate this feeling.
C and I have only been friends for not quite three years. She was a great friend to me when I needed one... we hit if off right away and had a ton in common. Sometimes it was weird how alike we were. Great friends.
But over the past year or so, I've started feeling like things are off. This has turned into a long distance friendship now, and I admit I'm not the best at those. I'm not a phone person, but luckily we kept in touch very well online. I think that's part of the problem. There have been a couple of instances where we've had misunderstandings... (mostly her reading me wrong or again- jumping to conclusions) but we've worked through them. However, at the same time, I know from experience -she OFTEN vented to me about other friends- that I might not know the whole story, what she really is thinking, or if anything is even wrong to begin with. Maybe I'm paranoid, because this is all long distance and I'm not there to see how she really is, but I end up always wondering if I said or did something wrong. Like she's bothered that I don't call her, that I'm not keeping in touch enough, or that I said something wrong, or that she's taken something I've said out of context and blown it up out of proportion (which has been done a few times). Like I said, it's probably mostly in my head... but still it's there. It's there because I've seen her do that with other friends. It's there because she's denied there was anything we needed to talk about in an instance when I knew for a fact that she had a big issue with me. It's there because I know she's talked to other friends about issues she had with me, before even talking to me about them.

I really hate that feeling. I want to be there for her, I want to be easy friends. But I hate that when I get an iffy comment (or lack of response) from her, I always start imagining the worst. I hate that I feel like an insecure immature girlfriend... "are you mad at me??", but I hate that I can't completely trust her enough to not ask and not wonder if something is going on that she's stewing over or talking negatively with me about with someone else.

I'm really almost ready to walk away.
And I hate that feeling too.
On one hand, I feel like what's the big deal?... we haven't been friends forever, we're not a part of each other's regular life anymore, we really don't talk much anymore at all, what's the big deal if I just say I don't want to deal with it anymore?
But at the same time, she's one of my friends. There was a friendship there. It is so hard to just say good bye to that. To say that you don't care anymore. Because it's not true.

I just don't know what to do.