great date night

My husband actually took the time and the forethought to ask me "in" on a date night for this weekend. I was so looking forward to it!
Kids in bed, no tv, no computers, just us and some yummy steaks and a night to ourselves.

Didn't quite turn out that way.
We got the kids to bed and Ryan started grilling the steaks. I debated cleaning up the kitchen and living room (HOW does this place get so wrecked on weekends?!?), but decided instead to take the last 10 minutes he was grilling to check email and blog real quick about the good mood I was in because we were having this prearranged "date". Ryan came in kind of short with me because I hadn't "done anything" all evening and what happened to no computers tonight and so on. I shut the laptop and brushed all that off and we sat down and enjoyed our dinner. Conversation after dinner kept teetering on the edge of arguments... I guess it was pick on your wife night because he kept bringing things up like how he can't believe that I would forget to pay S's preschool (when S has only had one day of school so far this month and I completely spaced bringing the check in with me that one time) because that's the only bill I have to remember to pay and he manages to take care of all the other bills we have. Or that he asked me (one time, a month ago) to make up a packet of prints over the last few months to send our grandparents and so now I need to let him know if I can't handle that job in this "oh sorry, is that too much to ask of you?" tone. Same with never having gotten HIS sister and niece's birthday presents ready for him to mail.
We just kept starting and stopping these different conversations that would start to veer off into not so nice conversations. Then we start talking about do we want to play a game? Start a movie? Okay, but he then picks up a magazine and proceeds to just sit there and leisurely read it. Nice. Glad I'm such riveting company. He kept acting like he was bored, like I was supposed to be the life of this "date" and I needed to decide what we were "doing". I was fine with just hanging out and whatever, but pretty soon he stands up and says, "Okay. Let's either play a game or I'm going to bed". I was all, "it's only 8:30! Gee, you're a fun date!". Then he says, "I'M the fun date?!?" like you know that was saying I was the real lame one and no wonder we haven't done this lately and there are a million things he could have more fun doing than just sitting on this couch with me. And I give him this hurt offended look and am wanting to just go off on how he's been making me feel the whole night, but I bite my tongue. And then he goes into the kitchen and starts doing dishes. Yeah, that's a fun date.
So instead of sitting there on the verge of crying, I go upstairs and get ready for bed and turn on the tv. He comes up like half an hour later and is like, "what are you doing?!". I say that obviously he wasn't that invested in our night together so I thought I'd get out of his way and decided to come up to read and watch tv.
He then goes into the bathroom to cut his hair, takes a shower and then heads right back downstairs. I have no idea what he did down there, but he didn't come back up for over an hour and then he comes up and gets into bed, says goodnight and is asleep in less than 5 mintues.

Of course, I'm still wide awake, feeling sorry for myself, crying on and off, and not really wanting to be laying like that next to my completely insensitive able to sleep no matter what spouse. So I come down, finish the blog I started earlier, have a snack and then head back up to bed to watch more tv and hopefully eventually fall asleep.

This morning he was leaving early for church as he's the sound guy for the worship team today, and he usually takes SJ with him and then S and I come in time for church, but on his way out the door with her I let him know I wasn't planning on coming. He didn't bother asking why (it's rare for me to not want to go to church!) he just said rather huffily, I guess I'll come back and get S for church then. And slammed the door on his way out.
I just do not feel like being social. I don't want to put on a fake smiley face and be all happily chitty chatty with people. And I don't have the energy to "be real" with people today or truthfully answer how I'm doing.

When it boils down to it, I think my fear is to skip putting on the smiley face and just let myself be how I'm feeling... and then be left with no one caring how I'm doing. To be quiet and withdrawn and let myself be as unhappy as I'm feeling, and yet have no one notice or care or take the time to ask me for real how I am.

I'm realizing this has been going on for months now and although I've kept it pretty much to myself, I've found myself thinking, 'you'd think someone would notice by now or step up and make sure I've got a shoulder to lean on if needed....'.
Not that I'm looking for attention.... it just makes me feel pretty alone.

Last night was just a straw on the camels back thing with my husband seeming to jump on the same boat as everyone else. Leaving me feeling very alone.