great date night

My husband actually took the time and the forethought to ask me "in" on a date night for this weekend. I was so looking forward to it!
Kids in bed, no tv, no computers, just us and some yummy steaks and a night to ourselves.

Didn't quite turn out that way.
We got the kids to bed and Ryan started grilling the steaks. I debated cleaning up the kitchen and living room (HOW does this place get so wrecked on weekends?!?), but decided instead to take the last 10 minutes he was grilling to check email and blog real quick about the good mood I was in because we were having this prearranged "date". Ryan came in kind of short with me because I hadn't "done anything" all evening and what happened to no computers tonight and so on. I shut the laptop and brushed all that off and we sat down and enjoyed our dinner. Conversation after dinner kept teetering on the edge of arguments... I guess it was pick on your wife night because he kept bringing things up like how he can't believe that I would forget to pay S's preschool (when S has only had one day of school so far this month and I completely spaced bringing the check in with me that one time) because that's the only bill I have to remember to pay and he manages to take care of all the other bills we have. Or that he asked me (one time, a month ago) to make up a packet of prints over the last few months to send our grandparents and so now I need to let him know if I can't handle that job in this "oh sorry, is that too much to ask of you?" tone. Same with never having gotten HIS sister and niece's birthday presents ready for him to mail.
We just kept starting and stopping these different conversations that would start to veer off into not so nice conversations. Then we start talking about do we want to play a game? Start a movie? Okay, but he then picks up a magazine and proceeds to just sit there and leisurely read it. Nice. Glad I'm such riveting company. He kept acting like he was bored, like I was supposed to be the life of this "date" and I needed to decide what we were "doing". I was fine with just hanging out and whatever, but pretty soon he stands up and says, "Okay. Let's either play a game or I'm going to bed". I was all, "it's only 8:30! Gee, you're a fun date!". Then he says, "I'M the fun date?!?" like you know that was saying I was the real lame one and no wonder we haven't done this lately and there are a million things he could have more fun doing than just sitting on this couch with me. And I give him this hurt offended look and am wanting to just go off on how he's been making me feel the whole night, but I bite my tongue. And then he goes into the kitchen and starts doing dishes. Yeah, that's a fun date.
So instead of sitting there on the verge of crying, I go upstairs and get ready for bed and turn on the tv. He comes up like half an hour later and is like, "what are you doing?!". I say that obviously he wasn't that invested in our night together so I thought I'd get out of his way and decided to come up to read and watch tv.
He then goes into the bathroom to cut his hair, takes a shower and then heads right back downstairs. I have no idea what he did down there, but he didn't come back up for over an hour and then he comes up and gets into bed, says goodnight and is asleep in less than 5 mintues.

Of course, I'm still wide awake, feeling sorry for myself, crying on and off, and not really wanting to be laying like that next to my completely insensitive able to sleep no matter what spouse. So I come down, finish the blog I started earlier, have a snack and then head back up to bed to watch more tv and hopefully eventually fall asleep.

This morning he was leaving early for church as he's the sound guy for the worship team today, and he usually takes SJ with him and then S and I come in time for church, but on his way out the door with her I let him know I wasn't planning on coming. He didn't bother asking why (it's rare for me to not want to go to church!) he just said rather huffily, I guess I'll come back and get S for church then. And slammed the door on his way out.
I just do not feel like being social. I don't want to put on a fake smiley face and be all happily chitty chatty with people. And I don't have the energy to "be real" with people today or truthfully answer how I'm doing.

When it boils down to it, I think my fear is to skip putting on the smiley face and just let myself be how I'm feeling... and then be left with no one caring how I'm doing. To be quiet and withdrawn and let myself be as unhappy as I'm feeling, and yet have no one notice or care or take the time to ask me for real how I am.

I'm realizing this has been going on for months now and although I've kept it pretty much to myself, I've found myself thinking, 'you'd think someone would notice by now or step up and make sure I've got a shoulder to lean on if needed....'.
Not that I'm looking for attention.... it just makes me feel pretty alone.

Last night was just a straw on the camels back thing with my husband seeming to jump on the same boat as everyone else. Leaving me feeling very alone.

unpleasant oral habits

So we're at church this morning, and another mom (we'll call her "B") comes by and says to my son (talking to my son -who is not even 2 1/2- but in that tone of "I'm pretending to be cutesy and talking to your son, but really I know you're listening and you'd better pay attention because this is really for your benefit"),
"Hey you! (tickling and playing with him) I heard you bit my son this week at bible study... (pause, I'm assuming for me to say something here. I didn't. She continued) That's what I heard... that you bit him! That's not good! Let's not start those unpleasant oral habits, now shall we? We need to keep our mouths to ourselves!" (all cheery and laughing like it's just so casual and nonchalant.)

I really didn't think much of it at the time, except for; don't act all cheery and fake about talking to my son about it like it's no big deal, when obviously it is a big deal to you or you wouldn't have brought it up. To a toddler. Four days later. Yeah, like he knows what you're talking about.

But I realized it's been bugging me for the rest of the morning. Like I'm feeling all defensive of my kid. First of all, B's son is 4. If it was that traumatizing, have your 4-year-old tell the two-year-old himself, "Don't bite me!". That would most likely sink in a lot more with a toddler than an almost stranger's sing-songy mini-lecture. Secondly, my son is 2. 2-year-olds happen to bite once in awhile. Some more than others. My 2-year-old happens to not be a usual biter. I think he has only bitten his sister once ever, and one other child one time in a daycare setting, months ago. That is to say, his biting is rare. I don't think this bite last week is the "start of unpleasant oral habits", and I don't even think it was that big of an ordeal if the babysitter at bible study didn't even mention it to me. Or either one of my kids. If, out of B's own 7 year old and two four year olds, she's never had a biter or had a biting incident, then she's just flat out lucky. If so, then you should be used to it, know that these things happen, get over it.
Ugh. I just don't know why I'm so worked up about this one little comment.

I think it's honestly because I like B. I'm slowly getting to know these ladies (being new here) and I really like her. And I thought, even though I've felt here and there that she babies her boys quite a bit, to the point that it might potentially get on my nerves, I thought that we could really be friends. Then this morning during church, I noticed her up in the front row with her kids (preschoolers/kids don't got to their own classes until after the singing part of worship) and during worship the kids were fighting over stuffed animals, the older girl teasing the younger boys, being loud and disruptive, and the whole time B either just ignored them or shushed them but really did nothing about it. They were distracting to me, and I was all the way in the second to the last row. And I remember thinking to myself, yeah... I don't think we have the same philosophies when it comes to our kids.
And then this little "exchange" after church with the biting.

I'm thinking I'm just feeling a little let down because as much as I've felt I could really connect with her, I also know how hard it is to be really close friends and have drastically different parenting styles.

big fat ugh

Why is it that life throws everything at you at once? Physically, emotionally, schedule-ey... it just gets to be too much to deal with.

Why is it that whenever I am under the same roof as my parents I start this whole self-analysis thing and get so depressed and emotional and over analytical of everything and everyone. I think I need a therapist.

Why is it that stating my own random PMS feelings in my own way in my own space has turned into what looks like a huge friendship breaker. I'm frustrated that I feel I did nothing wrong. I am entitled to my own feelings. I wasn't hurting anyone. It's for me to deal with, as it was obviously only affecting me in the first place. Now it's turned into this whole big mess that I don't know what to do with and I'm confused.

Why is it that I was such a better mom before I had kids.

Why is it that it's so hard for me to make myself stretch out of my comfort zones? That I can do it when confronted with something, when someone makes me/needs me to step up to the plate? That I can do it when it's do it or else? But just to do it of my own accord, before it's an emergency... why is that so hard for me to do?

Why is it that I can't just shut of my brain once in awhile...
sometimes I just really I need a break from myself.

family time... brings out the best in me

Why does it seem I only turn to this page when I'm under the same roof as my family?...

I think of this page often actually... very often lately. I've created countless posts in my head that belong here recently, they just never actually make it to the keyboard. And what drives me to actually sit down and write now? My family is back in town.

I really don't mean to be ragging on them. They are really not all bad. We just do not do well living under the same roof. Really for any amount of time.

Anyway, I'd like to write here more. With my first post (that I erased) about my mom and then the second (like a year and a half later) about A... I want to write here more so that the things I do write don't seem so big or bitchy or whatever they may seem when they're so sporadic and sitting there taking up space all by themselves. I don't want them to seem more than they are... they're just venting.
Sure, some things will be real and big and seriously bitchy, but I need some distractions and some not so big things thrown in here for filler. Make any sense? Probably not.

It's late and I'm stressed and I'll shut up now. But I'll be back.
Believe me, I"ll be back.

couple friends

What do you do when you can't stand one of your best friends' husbands??? (haha! that looks like one of her husbands -plural- instead of just one of my best friends!!)
We'll just call my friend "A" and her huband "A's Husband".

Now I don't really notice much on a day to day basis, other than listening to her bitch vent about him (which is quite often) and really having nothing positive to offer up in response. But we don't live close, so when we do get together, it's usually with the whole families in tow... so the girls hang out and the guys hang out and the kids hang out and theoretically we should all just hang out and have a great time. And the problem is, because of the distance, it's not just hanging out for an evening, but for days at a time. And while A and I can leave and do our own thing when we need a break from A's Husband, My husband always gets stuck with him.

The last time we had a visit, My husband and A's Husband had a "guys night out", hanging out at a bar. My husband came home saying how frustrating it sometimes gets hanging out with him because honestly he's probably not someone he would choose to be friends with. The way he acts in public, the way he acts when he's drinking, the way he checks out any girl who walks by, the way he "hits" on the waitresses, annoyingly calling them "honey" all the time, the way he talks disrespectfully about his wife.... the list goes on and on. My husband said he himself had to follow A's husband around with a few apologies to their waitress and to other various women throughout the night. And he felt awkward because there he was, hanging out with this so called friend.

Just hanging out around the house is the worst for me. My husband says A's Husband gets to me because he reminds us a lot of my dad. In all not the good ways.
But honestly, I was trying hard this last visit, and I have to tell ya there is not one thing I can say right now that I like about this guy.
How horrible is that?
I'm sorry A.