I hate depression.
I hate my weight. I hate how I look. I hate how my clothes [don't] fit.
I hate that I'm so disgusted with myself but that I have no motivation to change.
I hate that I'm disappointing to my husband.
I hate that I don't have patience for my kids. I hate that I don't even like them sometimes.
I hate that I'm not a good friend. I hate that I can't easily pick up the phone.
I hate that I'm not comfortable being myself.
I hate that I'm not fun.
I hate that I have no confidence.
I hate being in charge of my kids. I hate that I'm screwing them up.
I hate that I'm afraid my kids are going to turn out too much like me. I hate that I see so much of myself in my daughter. And that I hate what I see.
I hate that I can't love myself. I hate that I recognize the things that make others not love me. Why would they?
I hate that I don't have anyone to talk to. I hate that we don't have friends to hang out with. I hate that this place feels so nice, so pretty, so comfortable, but so lonely.
I hate that I don't know the right answers.
I hate that I hate all this but I don't feel like I can do anything about any of it.
I hate depression.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
tell me
If you had a sister who had a daughter named Tatum...
and if you live in the same city as this sister...
and your family is close...
and you see these girls quite regularly...
and you then have a baby...
making these cousins 18 months apart...
tell me...
would you name your baby boy TATE?!!????!?
and if you live in the same city as this sister...
and your family is close...
and you see these girls quite regularly...
and you then have a baby...
making these cousins 18 months apart...
tell me...
would you name your baby boy TATE?!!????!?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
i cannot believe her
Our neighbors are getting divorced. Actually, it was finalized last month.
She left him last summer. She cheated on him (for over six months)(whenever he was out of town on business trips)(in her own house with her three kids right there)(and lots of us neighbors knew about it)(i'm actually the one who discovered it)(but it was obvious after awhile... i mean, hello, we all live right here!) and then decided to leave her husband because obviuosly she was unhappy in the marriage. She moved out into an apartment.
They have three boys... two of them have health and behavior issues.
It's been a decent (although extremely hard and painful for him) split, very amicable and mature.
Except for the fact that I think she's so immature. Mostly selfish I guess.
But it's been a bad situation. Just sad really.
He was willing to do anything and everything to make it work and she just walked away suddenly (to him anyway) without a second glance back.
And turned all their worlds upside down in the meantime.
She has always been a spender.
She's also always been a stay at home mom, until the past year when she started working part time because all the boys were finally in school.
So they've got quite a bit of debt. And owe big time on their house.
Which he cannot afford on his own, and which she's obviously not helping with. Heck, he's probably paying her alimony and child support.
So he has to move the boys out of the only neighborhood they've ever known with their best friends and their great schools and sell the house.
He's had the house on the market for almost six months. Priced too high because they're already in the red on it. Now it's gone to short sale, but he's still stuck there.
And she still comes over to do laundry.
I cannot stand that she not only screwed over her (ex)husband, is screwing all of them over by making them leave the house, is screwing all of us over by forcing this house into short sale or foreclosure, but she has the gall to still come and go and do her freaking laundry for free in his house.
And he's nice enough to let her.
Here's the kicker though:
He couldn't afford to pay his HOA dues this year. That's not an option- you have to pay it. If nothing else, he'll have to pay it all anyway when he finally does get out of the house; he can't sign off on the house until that debt is paid as well.
In the meantime, since he's owing that, the family's neighborhood privileges are provoked. Meaning that they can't use the pool.
They can technically still be invited to the pool as guests with other friends, but they can't go on their own with their own facilities card.
The boys have been up there most of this first summer weekend with Family Friends from down the block. The dads are best friends, kids are best friends, moms are best friends; have been their whole lives, and have done a good job keeping it up (separately) despite the infidelity and divorce.
So Mom of Friend Family takes the boys to the pool (with her own four kids) for the day.
Guess who else shows up halfway thru the day?
And doesn't even hunt down and say hi to her kids in the water, just hunts down a lounger and plops down in the sun next to Mom of Friend Family. And proceeds to giggle away the afternoon sipping a beer and dipping in the pool.
Oh. My. Word.
I was astounded.
I have said all along that I cannot believe her, but really now, I CANNOT BELIEVE HER!
How dare she?
He is too embarrassed to accept an invitation to the pool with neighbors because he can't afford to pay for what we all have to pay for... but yet she'll flounce right in without a care in the world. And she doesn't even live here.
Or apparently care anymore what anyone thinks of her...
She left him last summer. She cheated on him (for over six months)(whenever he was out of town on business trips)(in her own house with her three kids right there)(and lots of us neighbors knew about it)(i'm actually the one who discovered it)(but it was obvious after awhile... i mean, hello, we all live right here!) and then decided to leave her husband because obviuosly she was unhappy in the marriage. She moved out into an apartment.
They have three boys... two of them have health and behavior issues.
It's been a decent (although extremely hard and painful for him) split, very amicable and mature.
Except for the fact that I think she's so immature. Mostly selfish I guess.
But it's been a bad situation. Just sad really.
He was willing to do anything and everything to make it work and she just walked away suddenly (to him anyway) without a second glance back.
And turned all their worlds upside down in the meantime.
She has always been a spender.
She's also always been a stay at home mom, until the past year when she started working part time because all the boys were finally in school.
So they've got quite a bit of debt. And owe big time on their house.
Which he cannot afford on his own, and which she's obviously not helping with. Heck, he's probably paying her alimony and child support.
So he has to move the boys out of the only neighborhood they've ever known with their best friends and their great schools and sell the house.
He's had the house on the market for almost six months. Priced too high because they're already in the red on it. Now it's gone to short sale, but he's still stuck there.
And she still comes over to do laundry.
I cannot stand that she not only screwed over her (ex)husband, is screwing all of them over by making them leave the house, is screwing all of us over by forcing this house into short sale or foreclosure, but she has the gall to still come and go and do her freaking laundry for free in his house.
And he's nice enough to let her.
Here's the kicker though:
He couldn't afford to pay his HOA dues this year. That's not an option- you have to pay it. If nothing else, he'll have to pay it all anyway when he finally does get out of the house; he can't sign off on the house until that debt is paid as well.
In the meantime, since he's owing that, the family's neighborhood privileges are provoked. Meaning that they can't use the pool.
They can technically still be invited to the pool as guests with other friends, but they can't go on their own with their own facilities card.
The boys have been up there most of this first summer weekend with Family Friends from down the block. The dads are best friends, kids are best friends, moms are best friends; have been their whole lives, and have done a good job keeping it up (separately) despite the infidelity and divorce.
So Mom of Friend Family takes the boys to the pool (with her own four kids) for the day.
Guess who else shows up halfway thru the day?
And doesn't even hunt down and say hi to her kids in the water, just hunts down a lounger and plops down in the sun next to Mom of Friend Family. And proceeds to giggle away the afternoon sipping a beer and dipping in the pool.
Oh. My. Word.
I was astounded.
I have said all along that I cannot believe her, but really now, I CANNOT BELIEVE HER!
How dare she?
He is too embarrassed to accept an invitation to the pool with neighbors because he can't afford to pay for what we all have to pay for... but yet she'll flounce right in without a care in the world. And she doesn't even live here.
Or apparently care anymore what anyone thinks of her...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
the boob martyr
My "friend" D is one of those passive, polite, pretending they're not so opinionated people. Do you know those? The ones who most definitely have an opinion and judge everyone who's opinion is not the same, but don't come out and say it?
Wait- that might be me too.
Well, this isn't about me. This is about D. She is always like that... talking about something and laughing it off or making a point of saying "not that it matters," or "every mom/baby/person is different" in a tone that is so not accepting and understanding, but rather snarky.
One of her strongest opinions (which is pretended to not be a strong opinion) is breast feeding. And actually, I don't get the feeling that she even judges in the way that she's thinking everyone should breastfeed they're babies... more in the way of it's okay that you don't because that just makes me better than you. Which drives me ca-razy!!
I don't think she knows I didn't nurse my babies. She talks like she just assumes I did; because she likes me and respects me and in lots of ways I think (and I'm not trying to be conceited here) she looks up to me a lot as an older and wiser mother. I chuckle to myself often thinking about what she would think about the fact that my kids never tasted a drop of breastmilk. Formula fed from hour one. Not that I'm hiding it from her, it's just never come up. But she has made all the stereotypical comments about how smart my kids are, how healthy they are, how they have such great immune systems and I more than get the feeling she's automatically attributing that, as she does those traits in her own kids, to breastmilk.
And I just want to knock her upside the head.
I don't want to argue with her or try to prove her wrong, I just want to knock her upside the head for being so ignorant.
Anyway.
The biggest thing that drives me nuts is how she makes herself into this martyr all the time for being a nursing mother. You know; the fact that she's the one who has to get up with the kids at night, the fact that she can't leave her baby for more than a few hours because the baby just won't take a bottle (which you can so tell D totally loves), complaining about how she had to do every feeding because neither of her girls would ever take a bottle ever (again, totally obviously taking huge pride in that while pretending to complain), etc, etc. She never fails to mention that she and her husband have never had a weekend away in the past three years because she's been either pregnant or nursing.
She had the opportunity this past spring, when her youngest had just turned one, to accompany her husband on a work trip and really wanted to go. Without the kids. But couldn't because baby B's still nursing. I heard at least once a week about how much she wanted to go and how it was just bad timing, maybe next year, so on and so forth. All the while I bit my tongue with all the things I wanted to mention; um, you can pump... baby B is eating three meals a day of table food and drinking out of a cup, I think she can survive if you're not there to breastfeed her for three days, a kid is not going to starve if your boob is not there! They will eventually take a bottle if they have to. She's a year old for goodness sake, it's not the end of the world if she weans now.
I don't say any of that anymore because when I have made suggestions or pointed out options, her reply is simply, "yeah, well... it's just easier this way" and a change of subject.
It drives me nuts because all her complaints or martyred sighs over that's just the way life is right now, and poor me I'm so tied down are all completely illegitimate. If she really wanted space from her kids or time away, she could easily make that happen. Your baby, whether you breastfeed or not, does not dictate your life. Yes, there are restrictions and sacrifices, and moreso if you're nursing, but you do not have to be completely tied down at all times. You are not a martyr.
I recently started babysitting an infant full-time during the week. D was asking something about how his schedule was going, how he was sleeping, eating, etc. He was still pretty little, just 10 wks old. Somewhere in her inquiries she threw out the comment, "So I assume he's on formula?"
This was said in a completely condescending tone... and it made me so mad. She completely judged and assumed and it was all in this so not only is this mom leaving her baby to go back to work full-time, but she's also feeding him crap, attitude.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, rather snarkily myself, "No, actually she pumps, and he's on breastmilk exclusively. Why do you ask?"
She didn't really know what to say. I think she was honestly shocked. Which I can't comprehend... does she not know there are nursing working mothers all over the place?? I just couldn't believe the naivety of her assuming that just because a mom makes the choice (or in this case has to) to work full-time, that she couldn't still nurse her baby full-time. Since when does being a working mom=not caring about breastfeeding? Just because they don't sit at home all day with a sole purpose of being a martyr for their kids... moms can NOT be attached to their children 24 hours a day and still make the choices they want to make about feeding.
And who the hell cares??!?!??!!!!!!
GAH!
Wait- that might be me too.
Well, this isn't about me. This is about D. She is always like that... talking about something and laughing it off or making a point of saying "not that it matters," or "every mom/baby/person is different" in a tone that is so not accepting and understanding, but rather snarky.
One of her strongest opinions (which is pretended to not be a strong opinion) is breast feeding. And actually, I don't get the feeling that she even judges in the way that she's thinking everyone should breastfeed they're babies... more in the way of it's okay that you don't because that just makes me better than you. Which drives me ca-razy!!
I don't think she knows I didn't nurse my babies. She talks like she just assumes I did; because she likes me and respects me and in lots of ways I think (and I'm not trying to be conceited here) she looks up to me a lot as an older and wiser mother. I chuckle to myself often thinking about what she would think about the fact that my kids never tasted a drop of breastmilk. Formula fed from hour one. Not that I'm hiding it from her, it's just never come up. But she has made all the stereotypical comments about how smart my kids are, how healthy they are, how they have such great immune systems and I more than get the feeling she's automatically attributing that, as she does those traits in her own kids, to breastmilk.
And I just want to knock her upside the head.
I don't want to argue with her or try to prove her wrong, I just want to knock her upside the head for being so ignorant.
Anyway.
The biggest thing that drives me nuts is how she makes herself into this martyr all the time for being a nursing mother. You know; the fact that she's the one who has to get up with the kids at night, the fact that she can't leave her baby for more than a few hours because the baby just won't take a bottle (which you can so tell D totally loves), complaining about how she had to do every feeding because neither of her girls would ever take a bottle ever (again, totally obviously taking huge pride in that while pretending to complain), etc, etc. She never fails to mention that she and her husband have never had a weekend away in the past three years because she's been either pregnant or nursing.
She had the opportunity this past spring, when her youngest had just turned one, to accompany her husband on a work trip and really wanted to go. Without the kids. But couldn't because baby B's still nursing. I heard at least once a week about how much she wanted to go and how it was just bad timing, maybe next year, so on and so forth. All the while I bit my tongue with all the things I wanted to mention; um, you can pump... baby B is eating three meals a day of table food and drinking out of a cup, I think she can survive if you're not there to breastfeed her for three days, a kid is not going to starve if your boob is not there! They will eventually take a bottle if they have to. She's a year old for goodness sake, it's not the end of the world if she weans now.
I don't say any of that anymore because when I have made suggestions or pointed out options, her reply is simply, "yeah, well... it's just easier this way" and a change of subject.
It drives me nuts because all her complaints or martyred sighs over that's just the way life is right now, and poor me I'm so tied down are all completely illegitimate. If she really wanted space from her kids or time away, she could easily make that happen. Your baby, whether you breastfeed or not, does not dictate your life. Yes, there are restrictions and sacrifices, and moreso if you're nursing, but you do not have to be completely tied down at all times. You are not a martyr.
I recently started babysitting an infant full-time during the week. D was asking something about how his schedule was going, how he was sleeping, eating, etc. He was still pretty little, just 10 wks old. Somewhere in her inquiries she threw out the comment, "So I assume he's on formula?"
This was said in a completely condescending tone... and it made me so mad. She completely judged and assumed and it was all in this so not only is this mom leaving her baby to go back to work full-time, but she's also feeding him crap, attitude.
I looked her straight in the eye and said, rather snarkily myself, "No, actually she pumps, and he's on breastmilk exclusively. Why do you ask?"
She didn't really know what to say. I think she was honestly shocked. Which I can't comprehend... does she not know there are nursing working mothers all over the place?? I just couldn't believe the naivety of her assuming that just because a mom makes the choice (or in this case has to) to work full-time, that she couldn't still nurse her baby full-time. Since when does being a working mom=not caring about breastfeeding? Just because they don't sit at home all day with a sole purpose of being a martyr for their kids... moms can NOT be attached to their children 24 hours a day and still make the choices they want to make about feeding.
And who the hell cares??!?!??!!!!!!
GAH!
Monday, April 20, 2009
can't stand
I can't stand that the TV has to be so loud. And always on.
I can't stand the relentless channel surfing during each and every commercial. With, remember, the volume so loud.
I can't stand the nosy-ness of the "helping" by being sure to be the first to get the mail each day.
I can't stand that he's so heavy he's wrecking our furniture.
I can't stand the constant thinking about food.
I can't stand the cutting remarks.
I can't stand the passive-aggressive habits.
I can't stand the lip smacking.
I can't stand the obsession with germs and washing and making me feel like I'm a bad mom because I don't stress about things like that.
I can't stand the closed doors and the secrecy and the possessiveness.
I can't stand that I can't stand to live with them for more than a few hours.
I can't stand that I don't even like them.
I can't stand that it all turns me into such a negative person.
I can't stand the relentless channel surfing during each and every commercial. With, remember, the volume so loud.
I can't stand the nosy-ness of the "helping" by being sure to be the first to get the mail each day.
I can't stand that he's so heavy he's wrecking our furniture.
I can't stand the constant thinking about food.
I can't stand the cutting remarks.
I can't stand the passive-aggressive habits.
I can't stand the lip smacking.
I can't stand the obsession with germs and washing and making me feel like I'm a bad mom because I don't stress about things like that.
I can't stand the closed doors and the secrecy and the possessiveness.
I can't stand that I can't stand to live with them for more than a few hours.
I can't stand that I don't even like them.
I can't stand that it all turns me into such a negative person.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
too good to be true... is true
I'm feeling quite frustrated today.
Hopeless. Defeated. Pretty 'Woe Is Me'.
I've had several situations lately come up in places I've been looking for things... personal and family situations. Situations where I'm looking for answers, solutions, options, and suddenly I find possible answers, solutions and options that seem too good to be true. I try not to get my hopes up, I try very hard not to count my chickens before they hatch, etc, etc. I downplay things, I look for ways that it might not happen and remember that it's not done until it's done.
But still. The possible situations have been absolutely PERFECT. Way more perfect that I could have hoped for or imagined. Like every time it's God spelling out these perfect situations with little things here and there that just make things exactly a perfect fit- more than I could have known to even ask for. Which, again, makes me cautious.
Until the last possible moment, when I think things have finally come together enough to matter... when things appear to be actually happening.
And then I finally share it with people. I share it with friends, I share it with certain people asking for prayer, and still I share it with the reserve -and the disclaimer to those I'm sharing with- that it's not a done deal yet.
And in one case I share it finally (an hour before-hand in this case) with my kids.
And then it doesn't happen.
It's yanked out from my hands. The door is closed. Too bad, so sorry.
Why does this keep happening?
Why do these things appear to be an absolute answer to prayer, complete with bonuses I wasn't even asking for... just to be dangled in front of me and then taken away at the last minute??
Hopeless. Defeated. Pretty 'Woe Is Me'.
I've had several situations lately come up in places I've been looking for things... personal and family situations. Situations where I'm looking for answers, solutions, options, and suddenly I find possible answers, solutions and options that seem too good to be true. I try not to get my hopes up, I try very hard not to count my chickens before they hatch, etc, etc. I downplay things, I look for ways that it might not happen and remember that it's not done until it's done.
But still. The possible situations have been absolutely PERFECT. Way more perfect that I could have hoped for or imagined. Like every time it's God spelling out these perfect situations with little things here and there that just make things exactly a perfect fit- more than I could have known to even ask for. Which, again, makes me cautious.
Until the last possible moment, when I think things have finally come together enough to matter... when things appear to be actually happening.
And then I finally share it with people. I share it with friends, I share it with certain people asking for prayer, and still I share it with the reserve -and the disclaimer to those I'm sharing with- that it's not a done deal yet.
And in one case I share it finally (an hour before-hand in this case) with my kids.
And then it doesn't happen.
It's yanked out from my hands. The door is closed. Too bad, so sorry.
Why does this keep happening?
Why do these things appear to be an absolute answer to prayer, complete with bonuses I wasn't even asking for... just to be dangled in front of me and then taken away at the last minute??
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